The FAH guide to Valentine’s Day

At Forgot About Him we understand that features on Bjorn Tore Kvarme are not enough. Sometimes you need to take some time out to treat that special person. What’s that? They’ve rejected your offer of a signed picture of Jean-Guy Wallemme as a gift? Not to fear, we’ve got you covered with our ten-point plan for Valentine’s Day.

1. Remember it is Ryan VALENTINE‘s Day

There’s nothing worse than ignoring the big day altogether. Yes we are fully aware that Fulham are playing Chelsea but that has to take a backseat. Would the former Everton full back Ryan Valentine take such blatant forgetfulness? No. He’d just get released and go onto play for Darlington and Hereford United. Nothing romantic about that.

2. Show her you Peter LOVEnkrands her

The Danes are well known for their caring sides. Remember the Vikings? Peter Lovenkrands is no different. Rumour has it he broke down in tears when he found out Andy Carroll was leaving Newcastle. His love was just too strong. Readers, love her until it hurts.

3. Give her your Ian HARTe

The Irish full back’s stunning free kicks certainly won the hearts of the Leeds faithful in the late nineties and early noughties. Don’t mention the stunning bending beauties to her though, or you won’t get past stage six. Most women don’t get turned on by set pieces.

4. Buy her lots of Tim FLOWERS

Flowers and chocolates – the women love them. Buy lots of them. Ex-Blackburn goalkeeper Tim Flowers is a keen follower of this method and is believed to have sent a bunch to defender Colin Hendry every Valentine’s Day.

5. She particularly likes Danny ROSEs

Or so we hear. This is an extra tidbit of information for you all. We would have liked to give you a chocolate-related player but, alas, we could think of none. (Edit: Sean THORNTONs. Damn!)

6. Continue the ROMAN(CE) Pavlyuchenko

It’s important at the half-way point to not let the mood drop, and let’s face it, there’s nothing more romantic than a Premier League striker who, in his native Russia, is a local politician representing Vladimir Putin’s party. Sexy stuff.

7. Open your arms and embrace in a HUGo Viana

Hugs and cuddles are essential in the set-up to a perfect evening, but make sure you don’t profess to be something you’re not. There’s nothing worse than commanding an £8.5million transfer fee, and then not coming up with the goods. Downplay your attributes and she will be pleasantly surprised.

8. Lean in and give her a tender Radostin KIS(S)ishev on the lips

He might have a name that includes the “very autograph of love”, but kissing with the approach of a no-nonsense Bulgarian centre half might not be the best idea. You need to make sure you have your tactics sorted before you kick-off. Passion is the key, unless you’ve agreed otherwise – in which case, be gentle, unless once again you’ve agreed otherwise.

9. Take her to Roman BEDnar

Obviously stage nine is meant to read, ‘take her to bed’. Taking her to West Brom’s Roman Bednar would be stupid and would completely defeat the object of this guide.

10. Once you’re there Al BANG-HER-a

Apologies for the crudeness of the final stage’s instruction, but we couldn’t think of a footballer with ‘make love’ in their name. Anyway, the ex-Watford midfielder was nearly deported back to Sierra Leone in 2007 – let’s hope the night ends better for you. (Note: Probably best not to use the phrase mentioned in the instruction when attempting to ‘get it on’ with your fella or woman).

So there you have it – Forgot About Him’s definitive guide to Valentine’s Day, via a few classic footballers – extra marks for people who can slip all ten players into conversation with their lovers at some point throughout the evening. We wish you all the best.

Happy Valentines’s Day.

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